


This World Has Not Been Kind To You

by whoisntafool



Category: Carmilla (Web Series)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-15
Updated: 2015-09-15
Packaged: 2018-04-20 21:21:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,554
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4802621
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/whoisntafool/pseuds/whoisntafool
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You're three centuries old but you're also eighteen, and the world has never been on your side. This follows the canon pretty closely, plus a bit of post 2x30.</p>
            </blockquote>





	This World Has Not Been Kind To You

This world has not been kind to you.

You are eighteen.

You were murdered at a ball in 1698, at a sweet and tender age. A blossom taken away too early, before it had a chance to bloom. You haven’t seen the world yet, but you’ve read plenty about it through the books sitting in your lavish collection. Lavish was an understatement, to say the least. But you had to leave it all behind, for a life that you didn’t ask for.

You have a new mother now, Maman. She is nothing like your biological mother. They both love you, and they’re both female, but that’s about it. Maman is manipulative, to say the least. She knows exactly what buttons to push, which strings to pull, to get you to do the things that you’re reluctant to do. But she loves you in her own twisted way; that much you can tell. She knows your love for good chocolate and your insatiable thirst for knowledge and books, and so she spoils you with the world’s finest chocolates, and provides you with your own room filled with every book you’d ever want in a collection. Maman was a mother figure to you, but was not much of a nurturing, attentive mother that you needed as you transitioned.

Matska, or Mattie as you preferred to call her, took you under her wing once you had turned. She taught you the ways of being a vampire, a creature of the night; she trained you like a newborn puppy, so to speak. 

The first time you accidentally overfed and completely drained the blood out of a human, you crumbled to the ground and your body shook from the cries leaving your body. You didn’t intend to kill someone, but here you were, next to a fresh pale corpse. Mattie appeared out of nowhere, sat next to you and waited without a single word, occupying herself with the constellations written in the sky. Before the stars were ready to say good-bye for the night, before the rays of the sun kissed the horizon of the new day, you stood up and took one last glance at the lifeless body. Your mind may have finally accepted the fact that you’ve just killed someone, but your body hasn’t, as your legs wobbled underneath your weight while you were led away by Mattie. 

You suppose you could trust her.

___________________________________________________

You knew you shouldn’t have, but you did. It’s been nearly two decades since you last saw your parents, and last you heard, your mother had fallen ill. Mattie hissed out warnings like “Mircalla, what have I told you?” and “You’re going to regret this”, while tugging the end of your sleeve, pulling you in the opposite direction. You never answered her and kept on walking towards your first home, as Mattie unwillingly followed behind, rolling her eyes. 

Mattie and you were perched on the balcony ledge looking into your mother’s chamber carefully, without being spotted. She no longer looked like the woman in your memory. The woman that you were familiar with was full of life and her smile would always reach her eyes as they twinkled. Very much like the constellations she had told stories of to you when you were a child. The woman in front of you now, lying in bed looking deathly pale, with grey streaks in her hair, scared you. You were overwhelmed and it took everything in you to keep yourself from running to your mother as you looked at her one last time before jumping down from your spot with Mattie. Those two limbs that you call legs were useless; they gave out the second you landed back on ground. A hollow sob broke out within you as you felt Mattie lifting you up into her arms. Either you fell asleep or you blacked out, because the next thing you remember is waking up back in your vampire lair. 

You and Mattie may look nothing like each other, but she had become the sister you never had and never thought you needed.

 

So you’ve gone on a couple killing sprees, rampages, as you’d like to call them. The first time you had done it, it was out of pure rage; you hated living an eternal life. You were consumed by guilt by the time you realized what you had done. But Mattie came along and flashed a pearly white smile at you like she was proud of you or something, saying, “Oh love, there’s nothing to be feeling bad about, it’s who we are. Embrace it.” 

___________________________________________________

You had fallen in love with Ell. Mattie warned you time after time, “Darling, don’t be a fool,” and you knew she was right; you just thought that maybe this time, things would go your way and you could finally escape this life that Maman had created for you that you never wanted to be a part of. 

This world has not been kind to you.

As punishment for trying to run away, Maman had trapped you in a coffin buried several meters deep. You had no idea how long you were down there for; you lost track of time pretty much after the first second you spent underground. Your coffin is filled with blood; as much as it was there to make sure you had enough blood to survive for several decades, it was also suffocating, figuratively. The smell of copper filled your nostrils and it never left. You thought about Ell an awful lot. It drove you near insanity, until one day you felt the soil above you shake and loosen up, enough for you to escape. 

You spent a long time travelling city to city after you escaped from that coffin. You needed time to recollect your thoughts, your sanity. You needed to see the world. 

As luck would have it, Maman found you while you were in Paris.

“Welcome back, kitten. Didn’t I tell you to stay away from that girl?” Mattie sneered, but her eyes held a certain amount of sympathy and a bit of ‘I’ve missed you’.

In more ways than one, you were a lot like Mattie than you had originally thought.

You aren’t entirely yourself, so Mattie decides it’s time for a girl’s night out, or really, many nights out as you paint the city of Saigon in red. Waltzing was a little too formal and plus, it was really a dance you preferred to dance with girls you were interested in. But the tango, the tango was reserved for only you and Mattie. You danced the night away during your last night in Saigon. 

 

Ever since Ell, you’ve never let yourself harbour any feelings towards any human being. No one really caught your eye, and you were tired. When you first turned, you hated the idea of being thought of as a monster, but now you’ve come to accept that that is all you’ll ever be; a monster incapable of feelings and is completely indifferent to the world around you. This world has let you down way too many times.

___________________________________________________

You’re back at Silas University again, and this arrangement Maman has you in is all just routine work for you. Sure, you try to throw her off every now and then, sort of as a way to get back at what she’s put you through and plus, whatever Maman was doing was down right immoral, but in the grand scheme of things, you haven’t made a mark. You’ve only managed to scare off a couple of the marked girls with your peculiar antics, and it was the best you could do, you think.

 

You’re doing pretty well. You’ve pissed off your 5’2’’ roommate in room 307 with your refusal to make any effort to keep the place habitable and with the rounds of “study buddy” sessions that you hold in the room. On her bed, no less. To top it off, you’ve been stealing her food, her clothes, and that old yellow pillow of hers. And you’re hoping you’ve done enough to piss this girl off so that she decides to transfer out from this school. As annoying and stubborn your roommate is, she’s too pretty and has too good of a heart to be taken away by Maman for whatever it is that she’s doing with these girls. 

You call her a multitude of sweet nicknames; it’s worked on many girls, but not this one. Not Laura. In fact, she gets sort of angry and does this little angry dance with her entire body while saying “It’s Laura, for the sixth time, if you care to remember.” 

Oh, you remember all right. It’s just, that bunched up face and getting her all riled up was entirely too much fun for you.

No matter what you say to her, she won’t give up. Pissing her off didn’t work, and even with you ridiculing her stubborn ways and bravery as being extremely naïve, she won’t budge. You know she’s upset, but she looks at you with a piercing glare as she says, “Heck, even you deserve better.” Do you really? It’s the first time anyone has said anything of the sort to you, and you’re not really sure how to take it.

She doesn’t know the things you’ve done, the monster that you are.

___________________________________________________

 

“I felt sick,” says Laura, absent-mindedly as she picks up another cookie and shoves it into her mouth as she stares at the computer screen in front of her. You tell her, “Huh, you do look like crap,” and you have a talk you want to get to but before you leave, you pour her a cup of cocoa. Yes, her hot cocoa. It’s the thought that counts right?

You come in sniffling after a talk with Maman, or the Dean as she calls herself here, and the cupcake tries to comfort you, saying how she has standards to live up to as well. You could’ve rolled your eyes at her because she has no idea on the severity of the so-called standards Maman has for you, but you don’t. She scoots her chair over to you with her little trashcan, eyes full of anticipation and a glint of hope, waiting for you to throw your tissue in. The second your used up tissue lands at the bottom of the can, you’ve declared truce with the girl. 

And maybe, you start to think that her headstrong personality and simplistic view of the world is actually sort of adorable.

Laura has been getting bad dreams, and you tie a dried bat wing charm around her wrist to help chase away the nightmares. You tell her it’s because you don’t want to lose her to sleep deprivation and end up with a roommate who is even more OCD than she is. But really, you just don’t want to lose her. Period.

 

___________________________________________________

Laura asks you to go to some stupid party with her. Normally, you’d scoff and make some sarcastic comment about how crappy college parties are, but somehow, you tilt your head as you look at her and say, “I think I’d like that very much.” She smiles and rambles, and you watch her, in those plaid pajama pants, scurry off to bed, as you repeat after her “Yeah, tomorrow” in a soft, delicate voice laced with a hint of insecurity. Because if you had a heartbeat, its pulse would be flying off the charts right now. Because possibly, you kind of like her. And you know you aren’t supposed to. 

But who isn’t a fool, from time to time?

Well this sucks, big time. You spent a good chunk of your time picking out a killer outfit, if you may say so yourself, grabbed a bottle of ridiculously expensive champagne and two glasses for you and the lady. You pulled her close to you and gently slid your hand down her ponytail as you bit your lips and in the most seductive voice you could find within you, “Maybe I don’t feel like sharing you right now.” You thought you two were having a moment. But apparently not, because here you are tied up to a chair as you’re surrounded by her squad. She led you into a trap while you were pulling your best moves on her. Out of all the ways you thought this night could’ve ended in, this was far from being even remotely close to any of them. Well, you did think Laura was different. She’s holding you hostage and won’t give you any blood until you spill your secrets. Fine, you think. Two can play at this game. 

A week later, you both lose. 

You’re still tied to a chair, that much is true, but you now have a sippy cup filled with blood, strapped to your chest for easy access, and binging on stupid vampire movies.

Of course, these luxuries weren’t given to you until after you had admitted to actually hitting on Laura and being mocked by a naïve provincial girl with her puppet show playing out your past. This girl can be so oblivious to other people’s feelings, namely yours. She does try to comfort you; her hand is on your knee, that much you can give her. But you see something different in her, because you’ve just basically admitted to being a vampire and doing terrible things, but she’s here, comforting you, looking at you with sincere eyes. She’s different, all right.

___________________________________________________

Will, your stupid brother, is threatening to bite Laura’s neck when you hurl a punch at him. You see Laura eyeing the door and you think she’s going to make a run for it, but instead, she jumps on the bed behind you. It fazes you for a short moment, because Laura could’ve easily run out into the hallway and yelled for help, but she didn’t. She trusts you (enough) to protect her. She trusts you, the monster that you are, to do the right thing.

You’ve returned back to your room after giving Will a chase and much to your disappointment, he got away. It’s only a matter of time before he runs to tattle on you to Maman. You’re grabbing some of your belongings (you don’t have very much) and Laura is behind you, gushing out her discontentment about you using her as a human juice box earlier. You figure she didn’t want you near her anyways, not after being bitten without giving consent; running away is probably in your best interest. You’re wrong though, because as angry she is about you biting her, she wants you to stay. And she’s right. You probably have a better chance of surviving if you face this head on, instead of running away.

You’re still mad at her for holding you captive for two weeks, and she’s mad at you for clogging up the drain with your hair, lying to her since the day you met, and for the bite just now. The creampuff is waving a wooden spatula around (as if that would’ve done any damage) as her body does that angry jiggle. Yeah, you’re angry all right, but you make a mental note to tease her about her choice of weaponry in the face a danger as you make your way to your long awaited shower.

___________________________________________________

Could you be any less subtle? Laura’s worried about her Lit grades and you may have just suggested that you’d be willing to bump up her grades if you were her TA (to be honest you’re willing to do just about anything for her). She doesn’t get it. And now she’s rambling about ethics.

She pulls the dried bat wing charm from under your bed when you ask her about it, and you can’t help but roll your eyes. She lets you tie it back on her wrists as you explain how the charm is supposed to keep vampires away, how if you were to touch her, you’d feel off. 

“Oh. That’s good, that’s probably good.” 

You catch the underlying tone of her tone and words. Like she’s relieved but disappointed at the same time. In hindsight, she may have been disappointed about feeling “off” to you if you touched her. 

Danny comes rushing in ready to drive a stake through your chest. You knock the stake out of her hands like a measly toothpick and you grab her by the throat. You could kill her right this instant. Why should you spare the life of someone who’s threatening yours? You take a glance at Laura and she’s pleading with her eyes, pleading for you to do the right thing. And you let Agent Orange go. For her. A couple minutes later, you and Laura hear noises outside the window to your room. She’s already making her way towards the sounds (she’s a curious one) and you find yourself shoving her away before slamming the window down. God, you hate this place. 

___________________________________________________

The gentlest you’ve ever been with anyone is when you walk back into you room finding Laura in the midst of a bad dream. Your hand is placed lightly on her arm as the other stroked that beautiful mane of golden brown hair. You’re a little surprised yourself. Maybe you’re not a complete monster.

You find yourself doing a lot of things that you wouldn’t normally do. You saved her in the spores attack. You went to the library with her in an attempt to do more research. And here you are, reading a giant Sumerian book. Laura thanks you every time with a smile like she’s saying “Don’t pretend like you don’t care.”

You warn her not to expect anything heroic from you. Because that’s not who you are.

___________________________________________

Lafontaine is missing and Perry comes in yelling at the both of you. Laura thinks it’s her fault – and before she falls into a deep spiral of self-blame, you tell her to stop because none of this is her fault. And that’s coming from you, the former minion of the evil. She’s so headstrong despite the impending doom of her junior Lois Lane gig, but even you can’t help but admire her for that. 

Everyone is tense and tired, but you find yourself holding her close to you and you send her off into a whirl before pulling her back in. 

You hate sleeping on the floor, but the maiden needs a bed, and so you offered yours. You’re smiling though, because you heard Laura saying “Worst. Crush. Ever,” when she thought you were out of earshot. 

You also offer to get that blade from unreachable depths of the sea, and you tell her it’s because you didn’t want history repeating itself to someone that you care about. You know she doesn’t get it because she thinks you’re not just doing it for her.

“Don’t be silly,” you tell her as you stand up from the bed, close to her, “of course I’m doing it for you.”

Maman possesses Laura’s body, and you’re almost too scared to meet her eyes. She makes a deal with you, one that you know Laura would never let you take. Because it’s her life for Kirsch’s. You know it’s not fair to the annoying puppy dog, but if it means Laura’s life will be spared, you’d agree to anything. 

Laura is blabbering a mile a minute about her impeding plan and doesn’t seem to notice that something’s off about you. You tried to talk her out of it, but somehow it sparks a new idea (is she even real?). You’re clenching that can of grape soda in your hand because you don’t know what to do or say. She kisses you on the cheek before sprinting out of the room, and your heart sinks to an all-time low. 

And now you’re leaving because she told you to. She found out about you making a deal with Maman, and she won’t give you a chance to explain. She tells you to run away and hide. You knew Laura would be disappointed in you, but you didn’t know you’d feel disappointed at yourself too. 

“And Carmilla, if you’re watching this then….you know!”

You know. And you can’t let her face your mother and some ancient demon God alone. The thought of her being somewhere, getting eaten, sends a tidal wave of ache through your veins. You need to get that blade.

There are worse things than love to be doomed for.

___________________________________________________

You’re sore all over, and you know you’ve been out of it for a couple of days now, and you find yourself laying in Laura’s bed as you faintly hear her scurrying around the room trying to get you blood. Suddenly, you’re standing in front of her and you look into those puffy red eyes that you adore so, so much. 

Your lips have finally been acquainted with Laura’s. But she’s still sputtering nonsense about how she knows you didn’t do it just for her, so instead of telling her like last time, you show her that you did in fact, do it just for her, with another kiss. And you are in pure bliss, even though you have broken bones all over and a fractured rib. 

 

___________________________________________________

This world has not been kind to you.

 

You, Laura, and the two redheads are back at Silas, inhabiting Maman’s old mansion. You are about to go in for a very non-pg-13 kiss, but alas, you’ve been interrupted again, for the 47th time (not that you were keeping count). Perry’s standing at the door drenched in fresh blood; the blood of the murdered newspaper kids.

Your state of bliss has been cut short.

And knowing Laura, she would make it her mission to get to the bottom of this. “Laura, no” as you try and warn her, but all she hears is “Laura, yes.” Despite your opposition to said mission, you know you’d follow her to the ends of Earth.

She’s parading you like a prized pony and calling you a hero to everyone. And you don’t like it one bit because that’s not who you are. A hero does what’s right for the common good. You do things because you’re a coward; you’re afraid of losing Laura. Sure, you saved bunch of people last semester but that wasn’t your intention. And deep down, you’re afraid of disappointing Laura and most importantly, you’re afraid her feelings for you stems from you being a hero. You know the higher of a pedestal she puts you on, the more painful the fall is going to be, for the both of you. 

You’re not very good with the feelings thing so naturally, you tell Laura that the issue isn’t something that needs to be addressed at this moment. But Laura is relatively better at the feelings thing than you are, and she reassures you that you being a hero isn’t her reason for liking you. And that’s all it takes for you to settle your trembling heart. You go stargazing together with a bottle of champagne at the solarium, and by the end of the night, you both see stars at the back of your eyes.

___________________________________________________

Mattie is here and she’s threatening to kill Laura so you swiftly jump in, transitioning into a little 16th century dance as you position yourself in between the two people you love the most. She mentions of love and both you and Laura are equally surprised. To be frank, you probably do love her. You’re just not sure if Laura feels the same. You make it clear to Mattie that you’d do whatever it takes to protect Laura and as courtesy, Mattie promises to spare her until you’re done with her. Mattie means well, you promise. Mattie looks at you with a mischievous twinkle in her eyes, and God, you’ve missed her so much. A girl’s night out was very much long overdue. 

Laura is positive your sister has something to do with the murders of the newspaper kids and that she is here to execute some evil plan. You know Mattie; if she says she doesn’t have anything to do with the deaths of those kids, then she doesn’t. Mattie may be intimidating, but she is a woman of integrity. She’d proudly admit her actions if she had done them. Laura and her squad think otherwise, and so they convince you to go undercover to get a clue of what Mattie is planning. Mattie isn’t stupid; she’s more than a thousand years old, and she knows what you’re trying to do. Not only have you failed to figure out what Mattie is planning, you sat through the entire conversation of her poking holes at your relationship with Laura. And you know she’s right. You killed Maman for a girl you have barely known for three months. 

There are so many things going on, and no one has a clue on what’s happening. You’re tired of it all. “Can we just pretend -- just for tonight that if I asked, we’d run away?” You know Laura would never leave things behind just to run off, and that’s why you asked her to pretend. Just having Laura entertain the thought of the both of you living city to city in love is plenty enough to suffice. But she doesn’t, not even for a second.

Love doesn’t mean the same thing to everyone.

___________________________________________________

 

Vordenburg is here and Laura thinks she finally sees the light at the end of this incredibly dark tunnel. But you know better. And now she’s back in her zone, you can practically see the wheels in her head turning as she figures out a plan, a plan that includes the Jolly Red Giant. You know it’s not a good time, but you’re entitled to a little brooding. It’s practically a natural reflex whenever Laura mentions Danny.

“Look, can you not?”

“I need the kickass, heroic vampire girlfriend. So can you please just be that?” Laura says as she looks like you with pleading eyes.

You don’t think you’ve ever felt this hurt and neglected before. But you’re good at sweeping your insecurities aside, for the person you love. 

“Of course. Whatever you need,” as you pull her head to rest on your chest.

 

___________________________________________________

A dark looming cloud is heading towards the mansion, and as much as it’s a well known fact that you don’t fancy Clifford over there, sitting next to Laura, you shout, “Get away from the window!” as you drape your upper body over Laura to protect her.

You’re done. Laura is asking you to essentially take down Mattie, and you can’t and won’t do it. Actually, she didn’t even ask; she just assumed you’d do it for her.

“No.” 

It’s like you’re talking in a foreign language that Laura doesn’t understand, because her face has confusion written all over it.

“No. Find somebody else to play your hero.”

And there, you’ve said it. And you’re not exactly surprised that Laura doesn’t get it. You think you’re too old to want validation, but here you are, painfully searching through Laura’s eyes, waiting to hear a response for your “because I love you.” As soon as you see her eyes practically double in size, you know you’ve said the words too soon. You’re met with agonizing silence before she continues on with yet another one of her expectations of you. She hasn’t listened to a word you’ve said.

You are done.

___________________________________________________

You’re doing everything and anything to get Laura’s attention, to get her riled up. You two are throwing around harsh, sarcastic words at each other, and it reminds you of much simpler times back in room 307. And sure, you’re the one who ended things, but you can’t deny how much you enjoy making her squirm as you press your exposed chest to the side of her head as you reach for the cereal box. 

The dork thinks she can get over you and stop whatever thoughts she has about you by taping off your side of the room. Naïve provincial girl she is.

You warned her before she decided she didn’t need your help and went on with overthrowing Mattie in favour of Vordenburg. And now you and Mattie are out dodging attacks from the minions under Vordenburg’s command of the detainment of vampires. As quick and nimble as you are, you end up with an arrow to the chest. 

“Oh my God, Carm!” 

You have no idea where Mattie brought you, but the second you manage to crack your eyes open, you see the golden locks of hair. You manage to offend her with two words. It’s a skill, really. 

You can hear a lot of shuffling around you and voices talking behind you. But most importantly, you can feel someone cradling you from behind. Rocking you gently from side to side. You’re obviously in no state to even wonder if this is appropriate, so you let yourself indulge in the luxury of being held by her.

___________________________________________________

You don’t think you’ve ever seen Laura lose it. She shaking in her seat and gasping for air as you watch her crumble under the stress and fatigue. You want to reach for her, maybe hold her close, but you know you’re not in the position to do so. So you don’t.

Everyone has emptied out of the room to give Laura some rest. She comes shuffling out of the bedroom and plants herself on a chair near you.

As courtesy you ask her how Betty Crocker is doing. She’s Laura’s friend after all.

“Alive. Not that you care.”

Not that you care.

She’s asking you why you keep saving her.

In short, it’s because she’s yours.

To annoy or not.

To love or not.

To save or not.

You can’t give her the things she wants, the kind of love where the key fits into a lock. You just know she’s the only one worth saving in more than a century. More than a human lifetime. All those times when you’d do things clearly for her and she’d say “I know you didn’t just do it for me,” drove you nuts. You finally pieced it all together; she wanted you to become a better version of yourself. 

You are more than three centuries old, but you’re still eighteen. You are so vulnerable at this point, but you need to know.

“Do you miss me?”

“Like someone cut a hole in me.”

Your eyes well up and you nod, because that’s all you need to know. It drives you insane, knowing that you don’t quite belong together. But it’s enough to know that she probably loves you too.

Mattie has threatened to kill Laura so many times, but haven’t because of you. You’re genuinely afraid that one day, you may not be there to help Laura, so you tell her about Mattie’s locket. You make sure she understands that that should be a last resort, if things were to ever devolve to that point. 

You trust her.

 

Okay, you trust her, but she’s also really bad at keeping it subtle because she keeps hinting that she could kill Mattie if she wanted to. Just how many times does this have to happen before Mattie figures out what you’ve told Laura?

Mattie asks you to make a decision about drinking the blood of the anglerfish. You’re really tempted to, but you don’t know the repercussions, so you may very well end up losing everything. And by everything, you mean Laura. You take one look at Laura and that’s all it takes for you to say no to your sister.

“More fool you.” You can tell Mattie’s disappointed, but she wasn’t surprised. 

___________________________________________________

 

It’s not much of a plan, but it’s the only plan the squad’s got. You’re set to reconvene at 3 A.M. Until then you and Laura occupy yourselves with a board game, and you can’t believe she’s trying to cheat her way through it by skipping the House of Beauty. Because she doesn’t think it makes sense for there to be one in the underworld.

“You don’t think death can be beautiful?”

“Oh my God, full of yourself much?”

Well, you didn’t mean it like that, but you’re trying so hard not to gloat right now because she did just indirectly call you beautiful.

“I am Death, trod under a fair maid’s feet.” 

“No you’re not.”

You are.

She’s curious about whether or not you’d die if you drank the anglerfish’s blood.

“Would you care?” you ask, avoiding her eyes, acting like you’re just casually popping a very not important question.

“How could you say that?” and you look at her like a child being scolded. 

“You think I hid you here after everything because I don’t care?” You’re pretty sure she just said that the idea of you being hurt makes her feel like she can’t breathe. You don’t think you can really hold yourself back anymore, so you reach for the back of her head to close the distance between your lips and hers. You can feel her hand in your hair, and as quickly as your lips found hers, they’re apart again. She hasn’t completely pulled away; your foreheads are touching and you can feel the air coming out of her nose. For the first time in a very long time, you feel like you can breathe again. You don’t care anymore, but she obviously does as she pulls back, shaking her head, saying the two words that you dread.

“I can’t.” Because she knows she can’t expect you to do things for her even though that’s what she wants. But she says that the two of you can try to fix things, when all of this ends. And that’s good enough for you. It’s something to look forward to, if you all survive.

 

After a whole night of excursion, you and the squad return back to the mansion, and you can smell blood. Laura’s already running to the source of it (she really needs to stop running headfirst into danger). Mattie is slouched over the table, her hands and face smeared in blood. And Perry is nowhere to be seen. It’s hard not to jump to conclusions, even if Mattie’s your sister, and plus it doesn’t help if she can’t remember the events that lead to all the excessive blood and a missing Betty Crocker. Mattie seems completely high and proud of herself though. You don’t think you can forgive Mattie if she did do something to Perry.

Great. Sasquatch walks in with Vordenburg because she thinks Mattie killed eight of her sisters. And she’s made a deal with him; reveal the vamps’ hiding place and he’ll stop trying to kill the anglerfish. What an idiot. 

Mattie is sick of being accused of killing sprees that she didn’t even have the pleasure of committing. And you know Mattie, she’s a woman of her words. 

“I’ll show you carnage,” as Mattie reaches for Vordenburg, but Danny intercepts and grabs her wrist. Things are happening so fast, you and Laura are rooted to the ground.

Mattie’s crushing the bones in Xena’s arms, and before you can react, Danny reaches for the locket before throwing it on the ground and stomping on it. A gold light fills the room as you run to catch Mattie’s falling body. You watch her, your friend, your sister of 300 years, take her last breath.

You tell Xena to run. Because you know you’re going to rip her throat out if she doesn’t. She just killed your sister, and yet she still has the guts to tell you to kill her right here, right now. You lay Mattie’s body down gently before you leap on your feet, ready to charge at Danny, but Laura jumps in between and you tell repeatedly to get out of the way, each time louder than the last. 

“I’m the one who told her how to do it!”

It probably would’ve hurt less if someone had stabbed you with a million knives in all the places that hurt the most. 

You grab Laura’s hair and you hear a loud gasp.

Mattie was right; Laura is a selfish, callow girl. And you are the fool who trusted her.

You two saw Electra in Pairs in 1709.

She helped ease you into an eternal life.

You two saw the ruins of Pompeii.

She was here to help you pick the pieces of yourself back together.

She understood you best. And she probably loved you the most.

You’ve let her down.

You handed your friendship of 300 years with Mattie on a silver platter to Laura.

“Be good for me Carmilla.”

“Change for me Carmilla.”

“Burn down everything that you’ve ever loved for me Carmilla,” you roar out in anger.

“That’s not fair, I never asked you for anything of this –“

You can hear Laura taking a step towards you.

“STAY AWAY FROM ME,” as you sharply turn around, “The next one of you who comes near me, I swear to God, I WILL KILL.” There’s a heavy silence before you storm out of the mansion. You will carve a path of flames and disemboweled bodies. When you’re done with this place, there will be nothing left but ashes. 

___________________________________________________

 

Going out on a rampage did nothing to soothe your indescribable pain. You’re in the middle of the woods, sitting up high in a tree branch of a leafless tree, looking at the moon. You and Mattie both loved the stars and the night sky, and you remembering watching the Moon Landing with Mattie. Mattie scoffed, but she was impressed with how far the humans have come. 

As much as you’re angry at and disappointed in Laura, and as much as you want to rip the guts out from Danny, you’re most outraged at yourself. In retrospect, you had picked Laura over Mattie a number of times. You were unwilling to go against your sister when Laura had asked you to, but in the end, you betrayed your sister, in the worst way possible. You told Laura how to kill her. And knowing Laura, she probably told Danny because she cares about Danny, and wanted her to be able to fend for herself if it was absolutely necessary. You know Laura meant well. And you hate yourself because you know despite everything, despite how Laura has a hand in killing Mattie, you still love her and you’d forgive her in a heartbeat. As much as you’d hate to admit, you need Laura more than ever now. Because she’s all you’ve got. Ironic, you think, because Laura had a hand in killing the only people that you’ve ever loved and cared about: Maman, Will, and Mattie. You laugh a low, excruciating laugh.

The only thing you can come up with at this point to help channel your pain and anger is unfollowing Laura on Twitter. That’s the only thing you can allow yourself to do to Laura. 

You are a fool.

And you’re still eighteen, with centuries worth of life and sorrow etched into those dark brown eyes as you look back up to the constellations.

This world has not been kind to you.

**Author's Note:**

> I APOLOGIZE FOR THE LENGTH OF THIS! and for any errors you may find. But I really wanted to get this all out before tomorrow's episode haha. I've put in some line breaks to make the reading a little easier, sorry if they seem super random :/ I hope you guys enjoyed reading this! (though I'm pretty sure I've also blinded you and bored you to death, sorry) and let me know what you think! Please come by and say hi! My tumblr is http://conditionstolive.tumblr.com
> 
> Also wanted to thank canyousmellchips here on ao3 for giving me feedback and support <3


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